I Won't Be Far
by creekfreak05
Summary: Five years after leaving Forks, Bella thinks back on her married life so far. Is she happy? Has she even been changed? If she could have chosen over again, would she have gone down this road? No Renesmee and most of Breaking Dawn. Rated M to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is my first fanfiction ever. This is the start of a plot bunny that is just gnawing at me, demanding I listen and write it out. I'm sure its not everyone's cup of tea, so if you don't like it, I'm sorry and I don't want to hear about it. IF however you like it and you want me to post the second chapter, review it please. **

**Disclaimer: I am not now, nor have I ever been Stephenie Meyer. Any characters and/or plot lines that are publicly known are not mine. **

Its been five years since I moved away from Forks and I am alone in the house I share with Edward and his family. I am here, trying and failing to study for my upcoming psychology exam. The glow of the Christmas tree dragging me far from Freudian theories, to that corner of my mind that I am desperately trying to ignore. The corner filled with Christmases past and of the things that I can no longer call mine. The silence of the house pressing in on me, smothering me. I fiddle with the ring on my right hand, twisting it around and around. Watching as it catches the light from the elegantly decorated Christmas tree not five feet from me. The Cullen's were off hunting and I was here, suffocating.

You see, even though Edward and the Cullen's had agreed that I would be changed after Edward and I married, they had yet to come through on their end of the deal. We had set a date for my change, but it came and passed and I remained the same. Plain, boring Bella.

Edward always reasoned for more time. Finish college the normal way. Ease away from Charlie slowly. Get your masters degree. A hundred different excuses that meant nothing to me. At first I saw the purpose behind some of his procrastination, but soon I came to see that he was simply denying me, despite his promises. But once Edward had his mind made up, suddenly all of the Cullen's took on the same position. Even Alice, who had once promised she would change me herself. I was just stuck.

Before I left Forks with the Cullens though, I was certain that leaving would mean leaving forever. And climbing into Edward's car after hugging Charlie goodbye was much more difficult than what I had expected. In some ways, I was glad that I had said my final goodbyes to Renee at the wedding. Having to say all of my goodbyes at once would have been far too difficult.

Upon leaving Charlie's house, Edward began driving down a familiar road. Surely the last time I would ever take this trip. As we approached the borderline of Forks and La Push my heart began to race. I was terrified. Honestly, this was the absolute last thing that I ever wanted to do, but I had assured Edward that this was something that I had to do to move on. Soon, Edward came to an abrupt stop at the treaty line and I slowly drug myself from the car and began the short trek to the little red house that I loved so much.

I was so afraid to say goodbye to my Jacob, but even more afraid of not having the chance to be in his presence just one last time.

It tore me up when Billy answered the door, his eyes telling a tale of heartbreak and fury. I knew I had no business being on the reservation now, much less here at Jacob's door. But I couldn't pass up this opportunity to just drink him in, commit every detail of my Jacob that I possibly could to memory. Etch his face and the all-consuming burn of his skin into my brain. And I would love and hate it all at once. But standing on the wrong side of the Black's doorway in front of Billy, I knew my worst fear was being realized. Jacob had still not returned home since fleeing from my wedding.

Billy offered me no comfort. He simply shook his head and closed the door in my face.

My chance lost.

I don't quite remember the walk back to the treaty line, but I do remember the look Edward gave me when I climbed back into the car. A look full of pain and pity.

"I never should have allowed this," he said quietly as he peeled away.

With that, we headed towards Port Angeles to catch our flight. The Cullens decided that when we moved out East it would just be easier if I left all of my old things behind in favor of mountains of new things that they would get for me. It took a lot of convincing but finally I agreed that the trappings of my old life would keep me tied to the memories of all that I was leaving behind and that would simply be too painful. That is why, when I stepped on the plane that day, I went with nothing but the clothes I was wearing and my identification.

So, here I sit in this large empty house surrounded by things that hold no meaning for me. Wonderful, beautiful, meaningless things. Having lost my focus for studying, I drop my psychology book on the coffee table with a dull thud. I head up the stairs to the room that Edward and benignly share. Five years of marriage and we had yet to christen it. Edward still maintained that getting too physical would be too dangerous, as he always had and that we could experience real physical love once I was changed. To say the least, by now I had given up on both of those endeavors. I was still turning the ring on my right hand around my finger when I reached our dresser.

I knew what I was headed for, but that didn't keep me from worrying that it might have disappeared since the last time I had checked on it. I opened my underwear drawer, carefully pushing frilly and exotic underwear Alice had chosen out of the way. At the back of the drawer, I could feel the panty hose that I nearly refused to wear and pushed them to the side as well. In the very back was a particularly vulgar looking piece of lingerie that I had never had the use for in my marriage. I had rolled it in on itself, hiding within its scanty lace a tiny wooden charm.

I looked around nervously, just to be sure that I was truly alone. I always felt as if I were being watched in this house. Vampires are known for stalking their prey, so it wouldn't be a big stretch for them to be quietly watching me. Finally though, assured of my solitude, I carefully unrolled the garment and breathed a sigh of relief when the tiny wolf fell into my palm.

I squeezed my eyes closed drawing out the memories from that locked away portion of my mind. Back to that first trip home.

**A/N: Please review! Let me know what you think and if you have any thoughts about where you want this to go...well I'm open for suggestions. **


	2. Chapter 2

Just before winter break of my freshman year of college Edward approached me with the idea of heading home for Christmas. His idea was to accompany me to Forks and stay for a week before heading North to Denali so that I could be alone with Charlie. The rest of the Cullens would be here and there, but Carlise and Esme would be waiting for Edward in Denali. Then everyone would return home to be together for the new year.

I was excited at the prospect of seeing Charlie. I had really missed him so much more than I had expected. Then I thought of Renee. I was determined to see them both then. After a few phone calls, we had arranged for Renee and Phil to visit Edward and Charlie and I in Forks as well.

And if you are thinking that I am completely heartless for not having spared a moments thought for Jacob, you'd be wrong. From the moment Edward had uttered Forks, that tightly locked door in my mind had flung open and I was struggling against it with everything I had. I didn't need these feelings cropping up and causing my heart to swell and race. I didn't need the tears that were pricking the backs of my eyes and threatening to spill out. I needed to maintain the tiny shred of control that I had managed to acquire in these last few months away. This would not take me to my knees. That part of my life was over.

Hoping and praying that Jacob wouldn't hate me was a privilege that I lost the moment I said 'I do.' And while I knew that, I couldn't shut out the desperate plea in my heart for him. In the few long months without him I had realized just how difficult it was to survive without the sun.

Before I knew it, I was on a plane bound for Port Angeles and giddy with anticipation.

"HEY there little girl! How's married life treating you?" Charlie called spotting us in the baggage claim.

I hurried over and allowed him to sweep me up into a hug. "I missed you too, Dad." I whispered. Our awkward relationship apparently changed in my absence.

"Seriously Bells, he's treating you right?" Charlie said very quietly.

Caught off guard by the mention of my nickname that was usually only used by one person, I only nodded. I could feel my mood turning melancholy, quickly checking myself, I slapped on a half-hearted smile.

Edward and Charlie finished plucking our luggage from the baggage carousel and we headed out to the parking lot. Charlie was leading the way and as we walked I was scanning the parking lot for the police cruiser. Suddenly I stopped in my tracks, my heart jumped into my throat and my stomach dropped. I was sure I was going to vomit. I was thankful that Edward and Charlie were deep into a conversation about the latest sports event, while I had locked my eyes on the red VW Rabbit parked in the next row over. It was empty. My heart was beating wildly as I looked around frantically, desperately hoping that I would catch a glimpse of him. But I didn't. Finally my heart calmed as we approached the car, but I just couldn't shake the feeling that Jacob was probably watching.

The closer we got to Forks, the more anxious I felt. I shifted around in the passenger seat of the police cruiser. I felt a wave of relief crash over me as my old house came into view. Immediately following that though, it felt like there was a vice grip twisting tighter and tighter on my heart. I was just waiting for it to burst. Emotions in my life always came in extremes. Always sudden and intense and unrelenting. And most often, opposite feelings came at the same time. Just another twisted piece to the conundrum that was my life.

Charlie suggested that we call in for pizza for dinner so that I wouldn't have to scour the cabinets in search of something edible tonight. Tomorrow, we would shop. Once our luggage was settled, Edward told Charlie and I that he was going to head up to the Cullen's old abode and check on everything.

"Aren't you hungry after your long trip?" Charlie inquired.

"I am not, actually. I grabbed a bite while we were laid over in Seattle." Edward replied. Though I knew he'd done nothing of the sort. "Would it be alright if I borrowed Bella's old truck then? I won't be long." My hands went ice cold and my fingers began to tingle. My truck. My truck that Jacob was so closely tied to. Part of my mind couldn't help the feeling of anger that was bubbling in the pit of my stomach. Edward didn't belong in that truck, but then again, neither did I anymore.

"Oh sure, the keys are in the bowl on the table." Charlie called distractedly as Edward made his way for the door.

"I'll see you later, love."

"Yeah, see you."

The soft click of the door closing was followed by an uncomfortable silence. This was the old version of Charlie and I secretly liked us better this way.

"So…." Charlie began, "nothing much has changed as you can see."

"I did happen to notice that. Its nice that everything is the same though. It would hardly seem like home otherwise. Ya know?"

"Yep." Charlie let out an uncomfortable sigh.

"Dad, does Jacob know that I am here?" I asked quietly. There was no use tip toeing around it. This would probably be my only chance to ask such a question as long as Edward was here and I just couldn't wait a week to know.

"I imagine he does Bells, but I wouldn't be expecting him to come around. He's still really hurting. He just needs time. That's the thing about first love, eventually we all move on."

I could tell that Charlie was drawing his answer from personal experience and I was surprised that he would be so candid with me. I was so caught off guard that I couldn't mask my surprise. "Being vague wouldn't make it any easier. Its better that you know now than to dwell on it. Jacob is hardly someone you should be thinking on, Bella. You're a married woman now, it just wouldn't be right."

That familiar prickle of tears was stabbing at me again. I nodded and excused myself to the bathroom. The truth only hurt more as time went on. It was no fault of Charlie's that he had such a ridiculous daughter, but I hadn't expected him to be so honest and straight forward.

The rest of the night went on without much to note and we all retired to bed pretty shortly after Edward returned. It was somewhat amusing to be back in my old bedroom with Edward again. I had become accustomed to sleeping in a much larger bed and mostly alone. Coming back to my old twin bed was definitely an adjustment. Edward settled himself in the rocking chair across the room and for a fleeting moment, it felt like I had my old life back.

The next morning I got up, showered and dressed and went downstairs. Edward was sitting on the couch reading the morning paper. "Good morning, love." He greeted me. "Charlie wanted me to tell you that he had some loose ends to tie up at the station, but that he would be home around noon."

"That's perfect, actually." I said as I approached him. "How was your night?" I asked as I sat next to him sliding my leg over onto his lap and crushing part of the paper.

"It was interesting." he said, clearly being careful in his choice of words. Putting one cold marble hand on my calf he asked, "Did you sleep alright? You seemed to be having trouble with a dream."

I couldn't remember having any dreams at all, but my body didn't feel like I had gotten a full night's rest. "I slept just fine, I'm a little tense from all of the travel though. My shoulders are so tight."

Before I knew what was happening, I was sitting on a pillow on the floor in between Edward's legs and he was gently massaging my shoulders with his icy hands. It felt wonderful. Having his hands on me at all was wonderful. As he continued to knead my stiff muscles into submission, my body began to heat despite his frigid temperature.

After a few more minutes I was feeling pretty relaxed, but also rather turned on. I pushed myself up from the floor and into Edward's lap. I turned around and leaned in to kiss him.

"Doesn't this feel a little like old times?" I asked with a chuckle.

He smiled and pressed his lips to mine. My eyelids fell closed and I just gave myself in to the experience. Letting my body take the lead into my desires. I was opening my mouth begging for Edward to follow suit. And after a moment I felt the arctic chill of his tongue slide across my lips to tangle with mine.

My arousal was surely apparent to him, my body heaving with physical need. I pushed my hips down into his, desperate to feel that he wanted me too, but his control was vast and long enduring and I could feel him start to pull away from me.

"Bella, you know I can't give you what you want. You're just torturing yourself. I really want to give you what you want, but I don't want to kill you in the process."

"We've been married for nearly 5 months Edward and I am still a virgin! You promised me that you would try, and for God's sake if you don't think you can handle it while I'm human, you should just change me already! You promised me! Does that mean nothing to you at all?" I had been holding this inside for a while, but this wasn't the first time that we had had this argument. During our month long honeymoon on Esme Isle I spent several days not even speaking to him. I just couldn't believe that I had married him, the one thing I didn't think I ever wanted to do with anyone, and he was the one who was reneging on the deal.

"Bella, we've been over this. I really just couldn't forgive myself if I hurt you. And you know I can't change you right now, not here. I thought you wanted to ease away from Charlie and Renee and everyone slowly. Don't you want that for them?"

"Edward, I am not a child! I knew what I was giving up when I married you and I was ready then. I said goodbye to everyone then. I'm just torturing myself dragging it out! I just don't see why you can't give me what I want!" And with that I grabbed the keys to my old faithful truck and left for the store without another word.

I strolled through the store determined to take my time, but it was nearing noon and I wanted to have lunch ready for Charlie when he returned home. At the checkout counter I chatted briefly with the cashier and mentally reassured myself that I had gotten enough food for Charlie, Renee, Phil and myself. Their plane was coming in later today and they would be driving a rental car down from Port Angeles.

"Will that be cash or credit?" the cashier asked pulling me from my thoughts.

"Debit actually." I replied glancing up. Something catching the corner of my eye. A lithe female figure with jet black hair and that familiar scowl turned in my direction before rushing out the front door with a plastic bag in hand.

Well, if Jacob hadn't heard about my being here, surely Leah would let him know.

A couple of hours and a few grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato soup later, I was up in my room rummaging through my suitcase looking for nothing. I was just looking for an excuse to be alone. Being here was beginning to make me question if this visit was really such a good idea. It was straining for my marriage. It was harder to ignore mine and Edward's problems without the distraction of school and my part time work at the college.

Each argument we had about my mortality or my virginity felt like a fresh betrayal. For one who was typically so true to his word, Edward was falling short of my expectancies.

A commotion downstairs shook me from my thoughts.

In the hallway just at the top of the stairs I could hear Renee's voice. "It is really good to see you again Charlie."

I paused, straining to hear Charlie's reply. It was difficult knowing that it had taken Charlie so long to get over Renee, and even though he and Sue Clearwater were seeing each other now, I always felt like there was something still in him holding onto her. "Its good to see you too." I could tell he was holding something back. It was easy to recognize when I was always doing that in my own life.

I continued down the steps with a reticent smile on my face. Renee's face lit up animatedly when she saw me.

"Bella, Bella, Bella! Oh, come here sweetie." She cooed. "I've missed you so much."

It had only been a few months, but I missed her too and told her so.

It was so strange having Charlie, Renee and Phil all in the same place for so long, but after a while we fell into a routine. The three men spent a lot of time immersed in sports talk and the observation of such. Renee and I took a trip to Port Angeles where I put my unlimited credit card from the Cullen's to good use. I treated myself and Renee to four hours at the spa and then she dragged me through the mall insisting that we sit at the makeup counters and let the painted ladies "do us up." We also shopped for gifts for Edward, Charlie and Phil for Christmas. Meal times I could be found bustling around the kitchen throwing together enchiladas or spaghetti or lemon pepper chicken while chatting with Renee. My poor mother couldn't cook to save her life and just like we had agreed in Phoenix, I would cook and she would talk.

In what seemed like mere hours, the week had passed and I found myself wearing the sweater that Renee and Phil had given me for Christmas while hugging them goodbye on the front porch. Edward stood off to the side, his suitcase at his feet, patiently waiting his turn. Renee and Phil had offered to take him to the airport since his flight was only a couple of hours after theirs.

"I'm going to miss you so much Bella." Edward whispered, his black eyes shining with sincerity. "If you need me...for anything at all, please call me, Bella." he continued as he pressed my practically unused cell phone into my palm. He wrapped me in a chilly embrace. Though we had apologized to each other for the fight we had at the beginning of the week, I had been holding onto all of those feelings. Something about being there in Forks was making me bitter about how my life was turning out.

" I love you. " he said as he placed a careful, always careful kiss on my lips.

"I love you too," I replied to his back. He was already descending the front steps.

I watched as the car was loaded up with luggage and loved ones and waved as they pulled away. I stood on the porch long after the car had disappeared from sight. Charlie having long since gone inside to watch sports center, left me to my thoughts. I was alone in Forks. I smiled in spite of myself. For a just a moment it felt like I was in high school again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or the characters therein. **

With Edward gone, I felt a little more free. The weight of the issues between us seemed to have lifted somewhat. Not gone, just pushed from the forefront of my mind. I welcomed the independence that his departure allowed me. But independence was far from freedom.

Here in this house, I bore the chains of regret.

I really did love Edward, but his selfish indifference to my needs was tainting our relationship.

Had I made the right choice? I was hating myself for the doubt that was creeping around in the shadows of my thoughts. Did it even matter now?

I was still human, but was that enough for Jacob? Would our friendship still have meant enough for him to overlook everything I had put him through? All of the hurt I caused him would surely have trumped any apology I could offer. How could one recover from treachery as profound as self-deceit?

In the depths of my mind and of my soul and most certainly my heart I knew that I loved Jacob far more than I should. I always had. But to admit that to myself, it meant that my love for Edward wasn't as all consuming as I had sworn to Jacob that it was. It meant that I had been wrong about absolutely everything

The traitorous thoughts were keeping me awake. Outside the clouds parted and silvery moonlight streamed in through my window casting a glow across several planks of the wood floor. My stomach lurched as I stared at the floor. I'd been in bed for a little more than two hours now, desperately willing myself not to cave. But the moonlight was taunting me.

Like a woman possessed I fell to the floor. I slid my hands across a single plank of wood, clawing at one end and shoving the heel of my hand into the other. With little coaxing the board came loose. Setting it aside, I plunged my hands into the space and retreated with a precariously wrapped package.

The wrapping was an oversized t-shirt that smelled woodsy but clean. It was a shirt I'd managed to swipe from Jacob in the months before the fallout. Carefully I laid it down and began to open the bundle. Inside lay a pile of photographs, keys to one of the bikes and the bracelet Jacob had given me for graduation.

This was all that was left of me and Jacob.

A few minutes later I had placed the keys and the pictures in my desk drawer and fastened the bracelet around my wrist. I stood at my bedside and took in a deep breath feeling like I hadn't had one in years. I pulled my ratty t-shirt over my head and quickly replaced it with Jacob's. I took another deep breath. Reveling in the feel of my lungs filled to capacity and the scent of my Jacob in my nose.

I settled myself back into bed. Settling on my side I reached for the wolf on my bracelet, the heart shaped diamond long since removed. Stroking the smooth memento with my thumb, I fell asleep.

The morning came too quickly. I was pulled from my dreams by the trill of the phone. It kept ringing and ringing until finally I decided that Charlie must not be home and the person on the other end of the line wasn't giving up. Wiping the sleep from my eyes I headed to the phone in Charlie's room.

"Hello?" I answered in a sleep coated rasp.

"Bella," Edward's voice sounded tight. "I was just calling to see how you were. Your cell phone goes straight to voicemail. You know I'd really rather you keep it on."

"I'm fine, Edward. Really. I just don't really like the phone. You know that. I'll turn it on if I need to use it."

He chuckled. "You know, for someone who was born into modern times, you really have antiquated thoughts about technology."

"I just don't like the phone. That's all."

"Alright, well are you enjoying your time with Charlie?"

"He is working today, but he mentioned something about maybe having dinner with Billy tonight."

Silence.

And then after the pause Edward's voice was hard and cold as he said, "You're going to La Push?"

"Charlie said something about going to the diner so that I didn't have to worry about cooking." I replied feeling a rising need to defend myself.

"Is Jacob coming too? I'd really rather you didn't spend time with him."

"Honestly, Edward, I don't know," I bit out. "He's a big boy, he can do what he wants. I'm going to be here for almost two more weeks, there is every possibility that I might spend time on the reservation with Charlie. I may even go there alone. I had friends there once," I paused. "If I am wanted there, I won't hesitate."

"Bella, you are my wife and I simply don't like the idea of you spending time with someone who is completely in love with you." He was angry, he left me no doubts of that, but I wasn't going to back down.

"He is, or at least he was my best friend and if I can spend time with him while I'm here I am going to do it. There are no guarantees that I'll get to do that again. Besides, if you had really wanted me to stay away from Jacob, you would have changed me already." I kept my voice low and cold, following his lead. "You can't keep me locked away in some tower, safe from everything you consider a threat to me, but if I were a vampire you wouldn't have to."

Another silence. "I'll leave you be then. I love you, Isabella. Please check in with me soon."

"I love you too, Edward," I said quietly. "Goodbye."

There was a soft click as he cut the connection. I replaced the phone in its cradle and padded back to my bedroom. Out of the corner of my eye I saw my curtains flutter a bit. The window was just slightly ajar. I hadn't remembered it being open the night before. I hurried over and peered out over the yard searching the tree line. But there was nothing there. I shut the window, purposely leaving it unlatched. I was sure that I was inviting trouble, but the possibility of Jacob coming to see me overpowered any bit of self-preservation I had.

Downstairs, Charlie had left me a note asking that I meet him and Billy at the diner around 5:30 for dinner. I had the day completely to myself. I decided to get a load of my laundry done and in the end I did some of Charlie's too. I did some light housework as well before curling up in bed with a book. I ended up falling asleep for several hours.

Rubbing my eyes, I turned towards the alarm clock on the bedside table. 4:45. I stood up and stretched placing the book on the nightstand and Jacob's t-shirt —that I had cuddled up to it while I was reading— I replaced on my pillow. I headed for the bathroom and splashed some water on my face before changing into a heather green tee, a charcoal gray zip up hoodie and my favorite dark wash jeans.

All the way to the diner I had this nervous I-could-possibly-throw-up feeling. Part of it came from the possibility that I could be seeing Jacob in a few short minutes, while the other came from the look and biting comments that Billy was sure to throw my way. Whatever he said though, I knew I deserved, so I took a deep breath and hopped out of the truck. Charlie and Billy were already waiting at Charlie's usual table, but they were alone. Part of me wanted to cry while the other part let out a sigh of relief.

"Hey Bells," Charlie called causing a pang in my chest. I waved and hurried to join them. "I ordered for you already. I just got you what you used to get. I hope that's okay." Charlie continued.

"That's fine dad," I said distractedly, locking eyes with Billy —reflexively bringing my right hand up to touch the wolf on my bracelet. I was trying to read him. Desperate to know something, anything of Jacob. But Billy's eyes were hard with a carefully fix half smile turning up the corners of his mouth. "Hello, Billy. How have you been?"

"I'm still breathing, I don't think I could ask for much more." he said, knowing full well that he was giving absolutely nothing from which to glean any real information. I could tell I wouldn't get anything out of him during this visit.

That night I retired to my room early, telling Charlie that I wasn't feeling well and as I am sure I didn't look well, he didn't press the issue. I spent a few minutes in the bathroom washing my face and brushing my teeth. Once in my room I stripped down to my underwear and pulled Jacob's t-shirt over my head. What would Edward think if he could see me right now? I quickly shook the thought from my head. I climbed under the covers, flicked off the lamp, closed my eyes and held on to my little wolf. Silent and hoping that sleep would drag me under swiftly.

I had several dreams, but I only remembered one. It was simple, but it filled my heart with hope, as it was all I could hope for.

In the dream I rolled over in my bed and Jacob was there. Sitting just halfway down the bed. He stared at me for a moment. His beautiful face causing my breath to quicken and my heart to swell. He opened his mouth to say something and then paused. Finally the words came.

"You stole my shirt." he said quietly, his face neutral.

"Yeah."

"You're wearing the bracelet I made you."

"Yeah," I replied again.

"Go back to sleep honey," he said softly, getting up, kissing my forehead before turning away. "I'll just be over here" he continued, settling into the rocking chair.

My eyes fell closed again and I smiled. And the dream was over.

I awoke the next morning —trying to recall my dreams—stubbornly keeping my eyes closed. I willed myself to sleep some more, desperately wanting to return to that sweet dream. I heard something rustle.

My eyes flew open. A flash of russet skin and jet black hair at the window —halfway out. He turned back and for a split second his onyx eyes locked on my brown ones. The sadness in them assaulting me. Then he jumped.

**A/N: I know I am leaving everyone hanging here and the big picture that I have intentions to create and share here is still obscured, but I'll get there, I promise. Its just taking a lot longer than I expected. In my mind at first, I was thinking that I had a good idea for a one shot, but its just exploded since I started typing. Every time I sit down it to continue, it just gets bigger and bigger. Its like the blob. Anyway, please tell me what you think. Are you liking it so far? Are you intrigued? Am I wasting your time? Give me your thoughts. Please be kind; but please, please, please review!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Sorry for the ridiculously long wait. The holidays are a zoo when you have your in-laws staying with you. Not to mention that I have my husband and 2 year-old and infant sons to attend to. I hope it was worth the wait, I was having a hard time with this chapter. I hope you enjoy. **

For a moment I sat, shocked beyond words —beyond movement. I blinked and in the next moment was at the window. My mind completely devoid of anything but the sight of Jacob leaping from my window. He was already gone. I slumped into the rocking chair and let the full force of it fall over me.

My beautiful, sweet dream had been real. He was here. He was watching me sleep. He had touched me. He didn't seem angry. He fled.

I flowed from one emotion to the next. Shock, excitement, relief and finally settled on hurt and anger. How could he come here and let me find him that way and then just take off without a word? I knew that he didn't owe me anything —especially not now—but he had come into my room in the night. He had sat on my bed. His lips had touched me. I had to know what he was thinking. I had to at least ask.

I threw open my suitcase and grabbed the first things I could get my hands on and dressed in seconds flat. I ran a brush through my hair and tossed it up into a ponytail. Grabbing my keys off of the bedside table, I was fumbling down the stairs as fast as I could. Plowing straight through the front door without even bothering to lock up. I climbed into the cab of the truck and without even pausing for a breath, I started off for La Push. The accelerator pushed to the floor the whole way.

In what must have only been minutes that felt like hours I was pulling up outside of the little red house. I wasn't going in there. I didn't know if he was even home, but when he saw the truck and not me, he'd know where to look. So I hopped out, slamming the door behind me and headed off towards the beach. I'd go to our spot and I'd wait. I'd wait for as long as it took. I'd wait for days. I would miss my flight if I had to. He'd have to show up eventually. Sam would make him come, if he didn't do it on his own, if only to get me to leave.

I tripped myself up a bit as I made my way to our solid piece of dried up driftwood. Running my fingers across it before settling in for the wait.

Minutes passed and turned into hours. I could see a storm coming in. It looked just like that day that I dove off that cliff. I stared up at the cliff contemplating the reason I had jumped back then. Senseless as it had been, I was beginning to think I would do it all over just to have Jacob rescue me. If he were fighting to keep me alive, maybe I had a chance at his forgiveness. But part of me knew better than to put him through all that again. I wasn't that girl anymore. That hopeless, lifeless girl who couldn't think straight. These days, I was just a martyr.

A martyr. A sufferer for a cause and my cause was to keep Edward happy. Here in Forks, it was becoming abundantly clear that I was truly struggling to keep a grip on my sanity and who I was once. Who I had been right here in this place just months ago— the person I was with Jacob. Absently running my fingers across the driftwood's faded grain, I could feel how much I was resenting myself for having gotten to this point. Sacrificing my own happiness for a man who was obviously not the person I had fallen in love with. I loved Edward in my own way, but the infatuation was waning and his promises haunting me in the absence of their realization.

And then I felt it. I could feel Jacob's eyes on me and it made all of my previous thoughts fall away. Slowly, I pushed myself up from the driftwood and turned around. A few months ago, I may have kept my eyes on the sand—too ashamed to face him— but I was desperate for those dark pools of onyx that had always loved me. Even in times of anger his eyes always showed his love for me. Something his meticulous mask couldn't cover.

Tears sprang of their own accord to my eyes and quickly washed over my cheeks. I took in Jacob's hardened face and felt sadness and utter relief at the same time. Jacob took a quick step forward, but stopped himself. My heart lurched, he was holding back. I had a chance here.

"What are you doing here Bella?" his voice firm and determined.

"What were you doing in my room this morning?" I asked quiet but determined as well.

"What do you want me to say Bella? That I'm still in love with you? That I couldn't stay away? That I had to see you for myself? Its all true, as pathetic as that makes me, its true. I love you now, as much as I ever have. And then to find you sleeping in my shirt….God Bella! What the hell am I supposed to make of that?"

"I miss you Jacob. Everyday I miss you. I didn't realize how difficult being away would be." I said, finally casting my eyes to the ground. "I would've come sooner, but I know that being married to someone else strips me of any right to seek you out. I still think of you as my best friend, whom I love very much. I know that I probably shouldn't, all things considered, but I can't help it."

"So that's all I'm ever going to be, huh? I mean, I don't know why I would expect any different. You married Mr. Perfect, right? I guess I have to give him some credit, he hasn't killed you yet. Not that he didn't try on the honeymoon, I'm sure. Was _that_ everything you hoped for?" Jacob asked his malice-filled words like daggers to my heart.

"Not that its any of your business, but my being human isn't the only thing that has stayed the same." I retorted, a traitorous blush rising to my cheeks. "What?" Jacob's eyes shot from the distant horizon to my face searching for my meaning. His mask was slipping.

"I, well I…" I paused for a breath of composure, "I mean that I am still a virgin. In every way." I added, for good measure. Sinking to the driftwood, I covered my flaming cheeks with my chilled hands.

"Oh." Jacob said, letting his eyes fall to the sand. "So, you…you never…wow. I…um…" he seemed to be struggling for words.

"Its okay, there's no way you could have known."

"And the vampire thing, he changed his mind on that too?"

I only nodded.

"You could leave Bells." he said softly, taking a couple steps towards me. I looked up. For the moment, he was my Jacob again. "You could get a divorce and come back home."

"The Cullen's have done so much for me. I just don't know if I could do that. I mean, its been a difficult few months, but I think I owe Edward more of a chance than that."

"No of course, stay with him, clearly you're blissfully happy." My Jacob was gone. "What the hell are you doing here anyway? Why did you even come back? Or wasn't saying goodbye the first time hard enough?"

"I made a commitment to Edward and I just don't think that four months is giving that commitment a real chance. I do love him, I just didn't think that things would be this way. Maybe its good that they have gone this way, its just not what I wanted going into it." I paused wondering if I should really answer his questions. I wasn't actually sure he wanted to know. "It was his idea that I come home actually. He said that I should take this chance to spend time with Charlie while I could. I didn't agree right away. I wasn't sure I could handle saying goodbye again. I'm still not sure, if the truth be known."

"How long you gonna give it Bella? A year? Five years? Ten? Everyone else in your life isn't going to put everything on hold while you try and figure it out. You can't be expecting them to. I mean, shit Bella, what if he'd already changed you. You'd be stuck. Frozen forever as a leech and miserable. If you say you're sorta glad that things have played out this way, you obviously weren't as sure about being a blood sucking leech as you thought." His nostrils were flaring with his anger and I could see the beginnings of a tremble starting in his fingers.

"I never asked anyone to wait. I didn't think they would need to. But plans change. I just…I'm glad that I am back for a while. I just feel like being here clears my head a little. Back home all I can think about is school and work and how I miss everyone here. I hardly even have time to consider being changed. Almost as if that was how Edward planned it, really." He seemed to be calming again. "Being here makes me glad that it hasn't happened yet."

"You're infuriating!" he exclaimed in exasperation. "You are happy that you're still human and that you get to be here, but all you want is to go back and have him change you! God Bella! Can't you just be happy with being human and forget your precious bloodsucker! He's making you miserable. I can see it." The look of disgust on his face turned to pain and then to sadness.

"I could make you so happy. We could have a family, I know you want that, even if you think you don't… You still talk in your sleep you know." I just stared at him and he continued. "I had only been in your room a few minutes and you started squirming around in bed. And then you whispered my name. I thought I was caught right then, but then you said 'Jake. Jake, honey, don't. We'll wake the baby.' Like you'd said that a million times before or something. I could tell you were aroused and I couldn't help but come closer." the blush on my cheeks renewed itself and in the my core ached a little at the thought of him touching me.

"That's when I sat down next to you on the bed…and when I saw what you were wearing. It doesn't matter how mad I was or am, or how wrong it would be all I wanted to do was touch you. To wake you up and make you realize that that dream you were having is what you really want. Not to be some cold dead monster…" He trailed off for a few minutes after that. I just sat there too scared to say anything for fear that he'd fall back into that bitter cold Jacob that kept reappearing.

"I wondered what had happened to my shirt. Does he know it's mine?"

"He doesn't know I have it. I didn't take it out east with me. I hid it…and the bracelet and a few other things in my room at Charlie's. Back when I left, I left everything of my life here or sold it. But I didn't want anyone messing with what I had left of you. So I hid it in the floorboards. I'll probably put it all back before I go."

The sadness I saw in his eyes deepened as I finished. He took a few more steps towards me before moving past me towards the waters edge. I stood up and began to follow him.

"Is it really so horrible to imagine your life with me?" he asked his voice cracking. I didn't answer. I didn't know how I could. I had imagined my life with him. Even as I lay untouched in bed on Esme Isle on my honeymoon, I imagined what it would have been like if it was Jacob that I had married instead. I could see my whole future. A happy future…or it would be until that day I was sure would come. He would imprint and he would leave me. Or worse me and his children.

"What if you imprint one day Jacob? I build my world around you and with one glance at someone new it would all be ashes. And I'd just be the fool who pretended to never have seen it coming."

"Damn it, Bella! Will you ever believe me?" he shouted, turning to face me. I shrank back a few steps. "I'm not going to imprint on anyone! I only want you," he said calming a bit. "The imprint would be nothing compared to my love for you." he finished quietly. He turned to face the surf again before heading up the beach towards home.

"Go home Bella, you don't belong here anymore." he said over his shoulder.

My tears started up again, but I knew he was right. I sat on the beach until the sun was nearly set. Charlie would be getting worried if I didn't come back soon. So I took a moment to wipe my face, took a deep breath stood up and headed back to Jacob's house.

The blinds on the door fluttered as I came into the yard. I stopped for a moment contemplating going up to the house and begging Jacob to let me in, but Charlie's words rang in my head, "You're a married woman now, it just wouldn't be right."

As I was driving away it was something else that Charlie had said that was haunting me.

"That's the thing about first love, eventually we all move on."


	5. Chapter 5

Here in the present, only a few minutes have passed. My hand clenched in a fist over my heart, the wooden wolf charm firmly in my grasp. The rest of that first trip home had passed without note. And while I replaced most of the items into the floor in my old room in Charlie's house, I brought the little wolf with me.

Coming back to my real life was nothing if not an utter taxation on my whole self. Much as it had in my remaining days with Charlie, my melancholy had seeped through my armor. The barrier that kept reality from overtaking my heart and kept my deepest desires, unending sadness and bitter regret from getting out.

I could tell that Charlie had been lost for a solution. Knowing as he did what it was to be jilted by love, I could see the inner struggle in his efforts to raise my spirits. The day I left, Charlie drove me to the airport and insisted on seeing me through security. Just before I headed for the security gate, Charlie pulled me into a hug, something I still wasn't accustomed to with him. Just before he let me go he whispered something in my ear. Something I'll never forget.

"The heart never forgets what it wants most, Bells." He gave me one final squeeze, let me go and was already heading for the doors when I opened my eyes again. Charlie didn't always say a whole lot, but when he took the time to say something, it always ended up haunting me.

Back on the east coast things looked the same, but they felt different. I knew that my sadness wasn't going unnoticed and any part of me that had believed I could hide it I now knew was foolish. I could feel the way everyone tip toed around me. Afraid. Afraid that their actions might be the one to send me running from my misery. But life went on.

School and work started up again and I started to make more of an effort to make friends outside of the Cullen's. I needed more in my life. So one night after my shift at the coffee shop, I decided to take up on an offer given to me by a girl in my statistics class. The Cullen's were off on a hunting expedition and wouldn't miss me not being at home. So I climbed into one of the family's shiny new cars and headed for Greek row.

That night I let a lot of new experiences overtake me. I had never had a drop of alcohol, but that night I tried just about everything that was passed in front of me. I knew long before I had had too many that I was going to let myself get completely wasted, but I didn't care. After the first couple of shots the sadness that weighed me down so heavily was starting to lighten. Before too long, the pain was all but gone. Soon, I was passed out on the bathroom floor of a sorority house, a recent pledge having taken pity on me was keeping watch over me. I awoke with a start and sat up just in time to wretch into the toilet, yet again. The girl, who later told me her name was Samantha, came over to hold my hair back and hand me a warm washcloth to wipe my mouth when I was done.

"How long have I been like this?" I remember asking.

"Not quite two hours," she had replied quietly. "It looked like you were trying to kill yourself out there," she whispered as I wiped my mouth and sat back against the wall.

"I hate to say that might not be too far off. I just needed to forget everything for a while. Ya know?"

She nodded but didn't say anything.

"Thanks for all of this," I said gesturing around me. "I am sure that there were a lot of other things you'd rather be doing."

"I had a similar experience a few months back and someone was looking out for me, I guess this was my way of paying it back. Good karma is the only kind I want." she said with a small smile.

That was the first time I had taken a drink, the first time I had gotten drunk and the first time I had ever considered that attending such parties might have some benefit. So the next time the Cullen's headed off, I went on the prowl with Samantha for a party to crash. It only took a couple of months before Alice, ever intuitive, figured out what was going on.

She confronted me one morning after returning early from a hunt, alone.

"Bella, where were you?" Alice asked the moment I came through the front door.

"Shit," I muttered under my breath, throwing my eyes at the floor, knowing full well that Alice would hear me anyway. I stumbled a little as I removed my coat and hung it up.

"I'm waiting Bella. You know I can smell the alcohol. Where have you been?"

"I was just out." I replied evasively.

"I saw that." she bit out.

"If you had a vision and saw me, why are you even asking? Does Edward know?"

"Not yet," she countered. "but he's going to find out. I can't keep him in the dark for long. You know that. That is not the point though. How long have you been doing this?"

"What does it matter, Alice?"

"I guess it doesn't, but it needs to stop. That's what matters. You can't kill your feelings by drinking. I mean, this is just drinking right? Nothing else?"

"I can take care of myself. I'm a big girl, you know."

"This behavior isn't very becoming on you. Besides, you could get into a lot of trouble. Guys do terrible things to girls that are half out of their minds."

"Yeah, I know. Just look at what being half out of my mind in love got me. I am stuck in a life where the people around me never change and never age and never let me do anything that might make me feel like I am really alive."

"Bella…" Alice trailed off, looking horrified. "I know that you feel like you've been betrayed, but really, this is all just temporary. I'm sure of it."

"You could be even more sure if you just changed me. Right now. Just like you promised you would."

"Bella, I…..I just don't think I have the control for that. I love you like a sister and I really wouldn't know how what to do with myself if I couldn't….if I couldn't stop after I bit you. Edward would never forgive me." she said solemnly. "I know I promised, but I'm not that strong. Please, please forgive me."

"Whatever, Alice. Just forget it." I called over my shoulder. Alice never brought it up again, and Edward never said a word, but it was a few years before I was ever left alone again when the time to hunt came around.

One little thing that I had found to kill the pain of losing my Jacob again, and they stole it from me without a word.

Tears slide silently down my cheeks now, but I let them linger. Even if someone were here to see them I wouldn't care. It was times like this when I was left alone that I couldn't bring myself to consider what the Cullen's might think. This was my time, and I answer to no one in these moments.

I picked up the lacy lingerie from the floor and began wrapping the charm again. It may be several days that the Cullen's are away, but the threat of them coming home early keeps me from being careless with the little I have of my past. The little I have left of myself.

I am suddenly exhausted but I can't bring myself to crawl into my bed. I know as I replace my secrets in their drawer where I am headed. I pull my sweater over my head and undo the button on my jeans. Shoving the denim to the floor I can feel the band of the ring on my right hand burning my skin, but I welcome it. I remove my wedding ring and place it on the vanity. I make my way in to the adjoining bathroom. I turn on the shower while stripping off the rest of my clothes. Just before stepping into the shower I pull the gray-blue stoned ring from my right hand and replace it on the left.

This isn't the first time that I've done this, but that doesn't stop the niggling feeling of guilt that creeps up as I step into the searing hot shower. I let the steam envelop me. Pulling the heavy glass door closed behind me, I leave reality once more.

Flashes of smooth russet skin mixed with that of pale porcelain cross my vision. I feel his overwhelming heat all around me. Burning deliciously. My mind turns back time to another Christmas.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I want to apologize to everyone for taking so long in between my last post and now. I had a moment there where I wondered if I was going about this the right way. SO, after a re-evaluation of my work and plans for future chapters I changed a couple of really key points in the story and hopefully have safely reached the other side of my writer's block. ****hope you enjoy. =]**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or the characters therein. **

Winter break of my junior year of college found me on a flight bound for Washington, but this time Edward wasn't with me. Edward had seemed so shocked that I had asked to return to Forks that he didn't even protest the fact that I'd asked to go alone.

And as trapped as I actually was on that plane, it had been the most free I had felt in a long time. The restrictions of my daily life with the Cullen's, plus school and work and that last shred of a social life that I stubbornly clung to, made me feel burdened so much more than I had realized. I knew life was taking its toll on me though. It was in the way that Edward looked at me now, will love still, but with pity and worry as well. It showed on everyone's faces really, they each wore it in their own way though. Alice with sadness, love and what seemed like hope. Jasper wore an expression with determination as if he hoped he could fix it and also something akin to understanding. Through it all though, they all stayed silent about it. Samantha was the only one who'd ever dared to mention anything.

Even without the sad and piteous looks, I could see the wear just by looking in the mirror. The sallow look of my skin, the dark circles prominently displayed under my eyes, and the way my skin stretched tightly over my age-widened hips. Try as I might to hide the signs with makeup and modest clothing, even to the random passerby, I was only a shell of a whole person. Sometimes in my mind I would live my life over and change details, amend the choices I made for the ones that could have changed everything.

One night after my shift at the coffee shop, I headed off with Samantha to a small party. Before I left home I had told Edward that I would be working until close even though my shift ended at six. I just needed a moment to breathe. Moments that were rare anymore.

"Have you thought about going back again?" Samantha asked sneaking a sideways glance at me through her raven locks, as we walked towards her sorority house.

"Everyday." I answered quietly.

"Well, why don't you go? Its your home. I don't know how you've stayed away so long. I go home every chance I get. My mother would be in misery if it had been more than a year." Samantha went on, "I am planning to go back for Christmas, you know, Redmond is only a few hours from Forks. I could be there for support or whatever. If you wanted me there, its just a short trip to make."

"I'd love that, really I would. I think you'd fit right in in Forks and of course La Push too. I just don't know what Edward would think of me going home. I mean, if I go, I'd want to do it without him. I miss Charlie a lot, but we'd both know that he isn't the only reason I want to go back to Forks. I'm pretty sure the whole family would have that clear in their minds." Over time I had become comfortable with Samantha and our friendship and I had confided some of my background to her. I had carefully left out the mention of all things vampire and werewolf, only making Edward's character seem more unfavorable.

"Bella, he can't keep you under lock and key. He's your husband, not your keeper."

"Yes, but the vows I took to remain faithful to him didn't just mean faithful physically, it meant in every way. I can't go and honestly keep to those vows."

"And you're telling me that you haven't been emotionally unfaithful before?" she questioned, already knowing the answer. "Is it really so terrible to imagine a happy life with someone who would love you in every way? Is it so terrible to imagine a divorce as the key to that? It is abundantly clear that the way you're living, it just isn't good for you. No one should know the sadness I can see in your eyes."

I was silent. I tried and failed to drown out the sound of my father's words echoing in my head. _The heart never forgets what it wants most, Bells. _As familiar to me as the sound of my own voice.

"I know you're right."

"Then you know what you must do. Ask to leave, but go either way. If you go and he has moved on, you could always come back. But Bella if you live never knowing you tried, that is the worst kind of sin against love — a sin against your own life. You only get one, Bella. You shouldn't waste it."

Hours later sitting at that party, completely and utterly sober, it was Samantha's words that helped me gather the courage to decide to go. I approached the subject with Edward that very night.

A month later I was on a plane, praying that it would all be worth it, Samantha by my side.

When I called Charlie to tell him I would be coming, the surprise was evident in his voice. It made me smile to myself knowing that he was happy that I was going to return.

When we arrived at the airport in Seattle, Samantha and I exchanged home addresses so that if we needed each other or an escape from our respective hometowns we'd have a place to go.

"If you need anything, don't hesitate to call. I can be at your door in about three and a half hours, and if you need to get away, the road works both ways."

"Thanks Sam," I said pulling her in for a hug, "I don't think I'd have made it this far without you. I want you to know that you are welcome at Charlie's place too. Don't think twice, if you need somewhere to go."

"I appreciate that, but holidays are surprisingly calm at my house, so I'll probably be fine. But you're right," she mused a small smile gracing her lips, "if it weren't for me, you'd have died on Greek row months ago."

We giggled a bit at what I knew was entirely true. Then, she took my ashen hand in her tan one gave it a squeeze and said "I'll see you soon. Be brave B. You deserve this chance to change your future."

"I'll see you," I whispered and then we parted ways.

I met up with Charlie just a few minutes later outside the baggage claim. It felt so similar and yet so different from my last visit. I felt a pang in my chest when I realized that the déjà vu that I was feeling wasn't so much from my last trip home, but rather from the trip into Forks when I had arrived to live with Charlie.

What a simple and trivial time that had been. A time when the most I had to complain about was the tiny rain-soaked town itself. Having come to love Forks happened by accident, missing it though, felt like something I'd done entirely on purpose.

Charlie and I made idol chit chat as we made our way back to Forks, but I could feel him repeatedly glancing over at me, his face covered in concern. He asked a little about the Cullen's, including why Edward hadn't come on this trip. He tried and failed to hide the fact that he was not upset that I was here alone, but I answered anyway, explaining that Edward had some school related work that he wanted to spend time on over the break and also that I might like to have time with Charlie to myself.

"He doesn't seem to want to spend much time here," Charlie noted. "I hope that when– I mean, if when you two have children that he would consider staying together as a family. He and I may not see eye to eye on many things, but kids need that stability."

"I don't think children are something that you need to worry about, Dad." I replied simply, trying not to look sullen.

"Are you not planning to have any?" he asked, leaning in a bit, eager for my response.

"It just doesn't seem like its in the cards for us." I looked away, out the side window of the cruiser as the snow fell in a flurry.

"I see." was all he replied before changing the subject. He asked a lot about school and I asked about work and Sue, whom he had started dating more seriously after my last visit to town.

"Sue actually mentioned having us over for dinner tomorrow, if you think you might be interested," Charlie said with a strange inflection to his voice.

"Sure, that sounds good. Um, do you know who all will be there?"

"As far as I know, it would just be us and Sue and Seth. Leah met someone over the summer and spends most of her time up at the Makah reservation with him now. She has been a different person, its remarkable."

"Really? Well that is good for Leah, I guess. She always seemed so unhappy to me." It both relieved and crushed me to imagine that more of the pack had imprinted; but for Leah, mostly I was just happy that she'd found someone to ease the pain of the loss she'd suffered.

"Yep." He seemed to have something more to say, but silence that soon became uncomfortable filled the cruiser. After what felt like forever Charlie finally opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it again.

"Just spit it out. Whatever it is, just say it." I demanded, feeling a bit of anger creep into my tone.

"I hope you won't mind, but I mentioned to Billy and Jacob that you would be in town also. I know you and Jacob had a fight or something last time you were here, but surely you both see it as water under the bridge now."

My heart began to pound in my chest. This was the reason I'd come. To put the past under the bridge and see if Jacob could forgive all the things I had put him through, especially in the last couple of years. Could this all become just a silly little blip in the past one day?

"Bells? Bells? You still with me?" Charlie called to me from the driver's seat.

"Uh, yeah, I –I'm still here. Sorry." I stumbled over my words. Paused for a moment and added, "I don't know if we can just put it all behind us. I want to, really I do, but I've been a terrible friend to Jake. I just don't know if anyone could forgive all of that."

"I doubt it's as simple as it sounds, but nothing is a lost cause."

Once we reached the house, Charlie lugged my suitcase up to my old room and left me to settle myself in. It would be nearly a month before I would be leaving again, so it was time to make myself at home.

The moment the door clicked closed behind me, I was already on the floor and pulling at the loose floorboard. For all the feigned strength of will that I professed to have out east, here I was a desperate mess praying to any God who would listen. Praying that Jacob might forgive me for even half of my transgressions.

The next morning Charlie knocked on my bedroom door causing me to stir from a light sleep. I had been in and out of consciousness for a couple of hours now, but the jet lag had gotten the better of me and I had stayed in bed. Charlie poked his head in to let me know that he would be heading out to La Push in about an hour and that I was welcome to come along.

Ice fishing wasn't my thing, but La Push for me meant Jacob. I knew it, Charlie knew it. And it felt like this was Charlie's way of saying that the best way to fix mine and Jacob's friendship was just diving in head first.

So an hour and a half later found us pulling onto the reservation, my stomach in knots.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or the characters therein. **

Charlie put the cruiser in park and glanced over at me. I didn't move. I couldn't. "Just rip off the band-aid Bells." he said as he stepped out and headed for the house.

By the time I had dragged myself from the cruiser, Charlie was wheeling Billy out of the house and off the porch towards me. "Don't look so terrified. I'm pretty sure he won't bite you, Bella." Billy called, winking so only I could see. "Besides, Jacob is still asleep. I wouldn't wake him if I was you. He's not the nicest person in the morning, I am sure you remember. it's a lot worse these days though."

"Thanks for the advice, Billy. Its nice seeing you again."

"You sure you don't want to join us?"

"I'm pretty sure the only thing I would accomplish by ice fishing is falling through the ice. So no, but thanks anyway."

Billy chuckled, "It would work out that way for you, wouldn't it?"

"When do you think you'll be back?" I asked, suddenly worried that I might be stranded on hostile territory if things didn't go well.

"It will probably be pretty late when we get back tonight, Bells," Charlie said.

"What about dinner? With Sue? Isn't that tonight?" I threw out, grasping at straws.

"I talked to Sue last night. I was thinking our trip might be longer than we originally planned, so she rescheduled it for Sunday night. If you need to leave before we get back, I am sure Sue or Seth would oblige you." That glint in Charlie's eyes was showing again reminding me that he knew how hard something like this might end up being. "Like I said though Bells, just rip off the band-aid."

Charlie finished helping Billy in to the vehicle and quickly got himself settled inside. Throwing a wave through the windshield and backing away, my father and his best friend left me standing in the drive way, an impossible task ahead of me.

I turned back towards the house, studying it. The painted red wooden panels cracked with age, the window frames with the paint chipping, the way the front porch sagged. The house was reflecting my sadness right back at me.

I took a deep breath. "Just like a band-aid, now or never," I whispered. Taking the ten or so steps to the porch. Stepping up onto the porch I reached for the doorknob, hesitating for just a moment. Then, with renewed determination I opened the door and stepped inside.

I glanced around slowly, taking in every detail. Letting out the breath I didn't know I was holding, relief washed over me. Everything was exactly the same. A time capsule just waiting for me to open it.

At first I just wandered over to the couch and sat down, but I began to feel awkward just sitting there in the silence. I began to straighten up the pillows on the couch and then moved to end table. I picked up a framed photo that had been there since I could remember. I slid my hand over the glass, paying particular attention to the two faces before sweeping the dust off onto the floor. Staring at the young newlywed faces of Sarah and Billy Black, completely wrapped up in a moment with each other, I doubt they even knew the photo was being taken. The love between them that was so evident made me ache to know love like that.

I replaced the picture on the table, wandering on into the kitchen. I thought that maybe I could go ahead and make breakfast. The smell of the food would surely wake Jacob up, and the food itself might be just the buffer to ease into the awkward and painful conversation that I knew had to come.

In the kitchen though, I found almost nothing of substance to throw a breakfast together. No milk. No eggs. Nothing. With my idea of breakfast out the window, I turned towards the sink and made quick work of the few dirty dishes. Within a half hour the kitchen was spotless, and I was once again left with nothing to keep my hands busy with.

I started quietly down the hall, headed for the bathroom. My heart jumped into my throat when I caught a glimpse of Jacob, his door ajar.. He was laying on his stomach, his face towards the door. His gorgeous hair no longer cropped, but nearly as long as it used to be. I smiled to myself and continued on to the bathroom.

I took account of my appearance while I was drying my hands. Nothing could make me look like I had a few years ago, but all in all the efforts I made earlier in the morning to get ready were obvious, if only to myself. I wondered absently if there was anything that could fully cover the haunted and tired circles under my eyes. Finally, I forced my eyes away from the mirror, determined not to focus on the things I couldn't fix.

Outside of Jacob's room I warred with myself about whether or not I should go into his room. A large part of me was screaming out the inappropriateness of the idea, but the smaller part of myself was somehow winning the argument. My heart longed to be near him, fearing that I would only be able to get close to him while he was unconscious. Channeling the courage that Samantha had instilled in me about coming here, I gave the door a gentle push and tip toed inside.

Jacob's hearing was acute, but he slept like the dead. He had been patrolling recently, no doubt. Slowly, I made my way awkwardly over to the bed. The room looked exactly as it had the last time I had been here, right down to the photo of Jake and I on the dresser.

I was about a foot from Jacob's head when I realized that I didn't have a clue about what I was doing in here. Was I planning to wake him? Was I going to watch him sleep like some creepy stalker? Would I hover over him like I was doing right then? Would I sit down? On the floor? On the bed? I'd sat on the bed before, though I hadn't been married to someone else then…

I knelt down on the floor, just inches from his face. I studied him, his quiet, steady breaths. His toned back, relaxed and bare. His right arm stretched above his head, his left tucked under his chin. His beautiful face serene, a few strands of hair falling in front of it.

Before I knew what I was doing, my hand had come up and brushed the strands back. I whipped my hand back. My stomach twisted as Jacob shifted on the bed creating more space between us. "Bella…" he murmured seemingly still asleep. Another smile passed over my face. God, he was beautiful. How had I ignored it for so long?

I pushed up from the floor, filling some of the space on the bed that Jacob had vacated. I nudged my shoes off and pulled my feet up and under me. Jake's arms were both above his head now and I couldn't fight the urge to lay down on the free corner of the pillow. From there next to him I just let my eyes wander from his face, down his chest and still chiseled abs until they disappeared in the beginnings of a V under the sheet. We weren't even touching but I could feel the heat radiating off of him. So comforting and familiar, like a sweet dream from long ago. I was barely aware of myself drifting off to sleep in a strange state I could only describe as contentment.

I could feel myself sweating, the heat waking me from a most wonderful sleep. My eyes fluttered open, but all I could see were the toned muscles of Jacob's chest. His arms were wound tightly around my back. I chanced a motionless glance upwards to find that Jake was still asleep. Closing my eyes again I took in a slow, deep breath, reveling in the woodsy masculine scent of this gorgeous man holding me. Everything I ever needed was right here with his arms firmly around me and I had been too blind and stupid to figure it out. Could this really all work out?

Could all of my mistakes just be forgotten and erased?

Jacob was beginning to stir and suddenly I realized why. I had pressed my lips to his chest. The sensations just now being processed in my brain. The delicious warmth beneath my lips was glorious. The thrumming of his heart evident through the sensitive flesh of my lips. This was so wrong and I knew it, but I couldn't stop.

I let one of my palms rest next to my lips, continuing a gentle assault over the center of his chest. I heard a soft groan from above my head, but didn't dare look up. My lips began to travel from the center of Jacob's chest upwards and over closer to one of his nipples. Jacob's hands began to roam my back, keeping me close. A low rumble of a growl reaching my ears sent an ache right down to my center. I rubbed my thighs together trying to relieve the pressure, discovering a whole new pressure. Jacob's arousal starting to press up against my thighs.

In one swift motion, Jacob put one hand under my chin pulling my face upwards, while at the same time placing the other on my backside and pulling. "Oh Jacob…" I moaned as our eyes and hips met all at once. Just then his lips crashed down into mine.

Our lips moved against each other with an intensity and passion I had never known. Within moments we were a mass of limbs fusing ourselves to each other. My arms up around his neck, my fingers laced through his silky black hair. I had thrown one of my legs up and over Jacob's hip, desperate to get as close to him as I could. With Jacob's arms around me, his mouth moving against mine our bodies tangled together as though we'd been this way together for years everything seemed to just click into place in my brain. This was right, this was home.

Just as I had solidified in my mind that I was finally going to leave Edward, Jacob switched gears. Suddenly instead of gripping my rear tightly to him he was reaching for my knee and pushing it away. Instead of urgently devouring my mouth with his he was withdrawing. His hands pulling back to my shoulders and pushing. Finally he had extracted himself from me and was up and out of the room before I could process what had even just happened.

Alone in Jacob's room, contemplating my lot, I realized that I had left Jacob in this room a few years ago with no hope. Its funny how things can come full circle.

I don't think that's what Charlie had meant by ripping off the band-aid.

**A/N: Alright people...are you still with me? Sorry this chapter is a little short. I just felt like I had left you all hanging long enough. Review, review, review! PLEASE!**


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